Mission Impossible: Pee

Living in hotel rooms with three small children, you learn to adapt to things quickly, and well to quoting a certain movie..


" what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career as a parent"


Ninja Mastery : Study the Shadow, become the shadow.


IN THE BEGINNING


Every night, when the kids are asleep, Kayla and I lay down, cuddled for the evening and looking forward to some peaceful, restful sleep.. and all is well.. until I realize... I have to go pee.. Now most people.. this is an easy task, but for me the mission impossible theme plays in my head, because, yes I may have to only go nine feet .. but that nine feet requires travel in total darkness and one slight error will set off the three extremely loud alarms known as children... And until I mastered this skill set. If one of those alarms is tripped the other two shortly follow.. pulling back the blanket off my body I have my first decision to make do I turn quickly for a louder squeak of the frame or do I roll slowly keeping it muffled but it lasts longer.. I decide this time to roll quickly and up onto my feet.. the creek of the bed to me sounds like a bomb blast, but I stand up quickly and look at the alarms... Silence... None activated.. sweat forms on my head... And a slight exhaust of relief exits my mouth..


Now the easiest part, the actual nine foot walk to the bathroom.. just some basic math here.. so.. Go super brain


"An average foot distributes the weight of the person over 20 square inches. Thus, a 100-pound person applies 100/20 = 5 pounds per square inch on the floor. I am slight above average. So (240/25) plus the density of the flooring material, tile, dampening materials.. hotel age, but. Newly remodeled, acoustic reverberation for this room runs about 167 megahertz, taking in account standard tuning is at 440 MHz however with the recent rain storm is probably dampening it down to about 438, as I check the barometric pressure.. so unless I feel vaudeville inspired and I'm wearing tap shoes I should be pretty safe. Oh great.. now that tap routine I saw back in high school to " boogie woogie bugle boy Of company three" is now playing in my head.. thank goodness eardrums only receive audio waves.. and not send them.. well not usually ( long audio nerd discussion later )


Step by step I know I am getting closer.. sweet relief is so so close, so focused I got this in the bag... When my right foot kicks something plastic.. my heart stops, not my first rodeo .. so I know what it is and what this could mean..


THE UNEXPECTED TRAP


Micah is a crafty child, the destroyer and seeker of all things liquid and a master of freeing them from any containment units.. the item my foot hit, his sippy cup.. so now I have a hard plastic sippy cup flying through the room, with a 50% chance of hitting the metal hollow under skirting beneath the bed which Mateo and Connell both lay on... A trap set by one alarm, to set off all the alarms.. and if it hits... Well imagine a ten year old swinging a wiffle ball bat as hard as possible and hitting the side of a metal trash can, and you are sitting on top of it..


With the fate of my life now in the hands of a random coin toss, time passes in slow motion. I think about all the beautiful women I never kissed, all the desserts I skipped, and I prayed to the Playtex God's for salvation as I regret not picking up a box tranquilizer darts, for you know... The off chance a sippy cup sets off a chain reaction, that leads to vocal intro to Led Zeppelin "Kashmir"... But in three part disharmony..


I close my eyes, accepting whatever fate decides for me.


*dull thud*


It hit, the wall... Not the bed.. today, fate was on my side. A good deed in the past, must have been returned to me.. right when I needed it. I want to celebrate, but that will have to wait as I silently jump for joy in my head..


Focus Jason Focus


I reach the bathroom door, it's still slightly cracked and it swings open.. no squeak. I step in, slowly close the door, leaving me in total darkness.. luckily for me I have studied the layout and know precisely where the light switch is and the reason why I do it this way is on day one I walk into the bathroom turn on the switch and the exhaust fan starts. Now 40 decibels is usually enough to wake a sleeping child and the fan runs at 38 decibels, so bathroom light plus noise from exhaust fan Plus a lightly sleeping child set off the alarm known as Micah on that day. Luckily he is the easiest alarm to reset and is one of the quieter alarms.. I find the light switch and turn it on and I consider it mission complete..


THE TRIP HOME


As I finish the job, turn out the light, open the door to return to bed, it gives me time to look back at the longest 6 minutes of my life. All of the planning, the successes, the almost complete and total destruction of the world, waffles, you know.. the usual.. pride, joy and happiness fills my life as I lay back in bed, cover up, cuddle close and close my eyes to return to dream land.. then my eyes go big and wide, and I softly go... "Oh, no" *Alarm clock goes off*


Cue Led Zeppelin - Kashmir



-justabasicdad


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Maggie Valley, showed me a lot.. and also being a history guy, I learned so much. That simple innocence is good, and being on top of the mountain is not. This place was named after Maggie Mae Setzer